Nice Guys Finish First

You're stuck in traffic and someone keeps honking. Or, you're out to dinner with friends and the person at the next table is barking into a cell phone so loudly you can't hear yourselves talk. Whatever happened to being nice?

Rudeness is on the rise. Three out of five Americans share that view, according to a survey of 2,013 people commissioned by the Pew Charitable Trusts. We all have our bad days, but where does a snarl get anyone? Being courteous instead of caustic not only can make your life easier, but it can also lower your stress and improve your health.

If you've ever been surly, chances are you were trying to get something or go somewhere. When you couldn't, you got frustrated, then bad manners got the better of you. Blame evolution, in part.

"The brain is outfitted to pursue and protect our basic needs of food, sex, shelter, and control over our lives," says Gregory Fricchione, M.D., director of the Benson Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine in Boston. That's true for whatever the need, even if it's something as simple as getting to the grocery store before it closes. "When your needs are thwarted, there's a tendency to become irritable and frustrated, which can lead to being unkind."

Good thing we're wired to be empathetic.

Social for survival

"As a species, we've evolved to require social support as a survival strategy. And we also have the capacity to provide it," Dr. Fricchione says. "Studies recently have shown that the human brain has what are called 'mirror neurons.' Your genes determine the quality and quantity of these neurons, and your upbringing plays a role in how they mature.

"But basically, when you observe someone in stress or trouble, the same areas of both your brains are firing neurons. This allows you to feel what the other person is feeling, emotionally, and potentially respond with kindness and altruistic behavior."

Kindness also puts you in positive contact with others. Maybe it's offering your bus seat to that harried mother or volunteering at your local food bank. And in business, contrary to the belief that "nice guys finish last," being pleasant can help.

Linda Kaplan Thaler should know. She built her billion-dollar New York advertising agency, the Kaplan Thaler Group, not with "fear and intimidation, but smiles and compliments," says the CEO. She's coauthor, with company President Robin Koval, of "The Power of Nice: How to Conquer the Business World with Kindness."

Large payoff for small acts

People like to work with nice people. "When you're kind toward someone, you're spreading seeds that will grow and flower, but you don't know when, how, or where," Thaler says. The stranger you cheerfully open the door for may be your next big client. Because you make him smile, he generously tips his waitress, and she goes home happy and has more energy for her kids. Small acts of kindness can have big effects.

They can also have healthy ones, physically and mentally. "People who commit kind acts feel generous, optimistic, and cooperative, and they look at others more charitably," says psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., of the University of California in Riverside.

When you're compassionate, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel good. "Your brain's reward and motivation circuitry is stimulated," says Dr. Fricchione. "This not only makes you want to continue being loving and altruistic, but also it controls the way you respond to stress. Since stress is at the root of many health problems, being kind can potentially make you less vulnerable to diseases, serious and minor." For instance, studies link helping others with improved mental health and decreased mortality.

Still, being kind is not always the kindest thing you can do for yourself. "You take kindness too far if you put others' needs ahead of your own, at your expense, or you're nice just to avoid conflict, rejection, or disappointment," says Vicki Rackner, M.D., president of Medical Bridges, a patient advocacy company on Mercer Island, Wash.

Being nice should fulfill you, so begin with yourself. "Treat yourself with kindness, grace, and consideration," so you can have them to give to others, says Dr. Rackner.

Kindness tips

To exercise your kindness muscle, Dr. Fricchione says, practice these 10 tips:

• Smile more often—it's contagious.

• Look for acts of kindness so you can become more aware of them.

• Choose to be nice, especially when you feel pressured.

• Offer help before others ask for it.

• Volunteer in your community or make a charitable donation.

• Let someone get in front of you in line.

• Leave a large tip.

• Water an elderly neighbor's garden.

• Be gracious when others are kind to you.

• Teach your children kindness by example.